Alterations

fuzzy blackberry photo

I think I'm going through some kind of life crisis or something. I have been extremely introspective and nostalgic since the first of the year. Maybe its because I have been reading classics. Or maybe its because I realized I am turning 29 this year, which will mean the end of the third decade of my life. Maybe its because after the miscarriage I had to take time to just be.

I was talking to Bethany about it today. I feel like between becoming a mom and spending a couple of years as a public school teacher, I kind of just got lost in the shuffle. Part of me has been suppressed, or inactive, or something, I dunno. I used to write. A lot. Poetry, lyrics, stories. I even dabbled in drawing and art. I played really loud music. I would just sit. And think.

Somewhere along the line I had to start wearing mom jeans and long shirts. ha ha. It seems that those requirements translated into really boring clothes like polo shirts (ha ha corey) and comfy white tennis shoes. Being broke meant haircuts only once a season and sleeping babies meant no more loud music. Being stressed meant sleepless nights and sleep deprivation meant a short temper and no patience for writing or thinking.

I am not trying to say that I am unhappy, or dissatisfied. I am very happy. I am very satisfied. I have been blessed very much and have had a blast doing the mom thing. The teaching thing wasn't really that big of a blast, but it did get me to where I am, so for that, I am thankful still. It's just that I (like many moms) have kind of "let it all go" in the name of being a mom first and foremost, and then a life-manager for everything else around me, ha ha. It's my own fault really. I get too gung-ho and tend to have a one track mind.

Bethany and I decided today that sometimes, we, as moms, forget to just sit and think. Yeah, we sit and think about what the best solution for our kids' *fill in the blank* issue is. We sit and think about what we need to remember to pick up from the grocery store, or plot out how to accomplish what we need to accomplish throughout the day. But, we just forget to just think...and feel.... We are so preoccupied with what we are going to DO next, that we forget to plan it based on what we think and feel. More often it becomes the opposite, that we think and feel based on what we do. Bethany is a pretty smart girl, huh?

Sitting and thinking often become the meditative and prayerful times for a mom. Prayers for our kids, for our marriages, for our friends and family. That is not, by any means, a bad thing. But God has given us gifts and talents. He has given us a mind capable of creativity and inspiration. I believe He would want us to spend time thinking and feeling out the ideas He would put there to share.

I plan to do it.

I want to spend more time reading to enjoy, rather than reading to check off the list or gather facts. I want to take time to think about a quote that strikes me as beautiful instead of passing right by because my reading time may be cut short any minute by the family's needs.

I want to spend more time creating and dreaming and singing and playing. To seek out that part that hasn't had time or been given the opportunity in the past few years to get out.

I started with my hair. ha ha.

And, I bought some earrings today. They are awesome. Step one: wardrobe. Work in progress. :)