Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Alterations


fuzzy blackberry photo

I think I'm going through some kind of life crisis or something. I have been extremely introspective and nostalgic since the first of the year. Maybe its because I have been reading classics. Or maybe its because I realized I am turning 29 this year, which will mean the end of the third decade of my life. Maybe its because after the miscarriage I had to take time to just be.

I was talking to Bethany about it today. I feel like between becoming a mom and spending a couple of years as a public school teacher, I kind of just got lost in the shuffle. Part of me has been suppressed, or inactive, or something, I dunno. I used to write. A lot. Poetry, lyrics, stories. I even dabbled in drawing and art. I played really loud music. I would just sit. And think.

Somewhere along the line I had to start wearing mom jeans and long shirts. ha ha. It seems that those requirements translated into really boring clothes like polo shirts (ha ha corey) and comfy white tennis shoes. Being broke meant haircuts only once a season and sleeping babies meant no more loud music. Being stressed meant sleepless nights and sleep deprivation meant a short temper and no patience for writing or thinking.

I am not trying to say that I am unhappy, or dissatisfied. I am very happy. I am very satisfied. I have been blessed very much and have had a blast doing the mom thing. The teaching thing wasn't really that big of a blast, but it did get me to where I am, so for that, I am thankful still. It's just that I (like many moms) have kind of "let it all go" in the name of being a mom first and foremost, and then a life-manager for everything else around me, ha ha. It's my own fault really. I get too gung-ho and tend to have a one track mind.

Bethany and I decided today that sometimes, we, as moms, forget to just sit and think. Yeah, we sit and think about what the best solution for our kids' *fill in the blank* issue is. We sit and think about what we need to remember to pick up from the grocery store, or plot out how to accomplish what we need to accomplish throughout the day. But, we just forget to just think...and feel.... We are so preoccupied with what we are going to DO next, that we forget to plan it based on what we think and feel. More often it becomes the opposite, that we think and feel based on what we do. Bethany is a pretty smart girl, huh?

Sitting and thinking often become the meditative and prayerful times for a mom. Prayers for our kids, for our marriages, for our friends and family. That is not, by any means, a bad thing. But God has given us gifts and talents. He has given us a mind capable of creativity and inspiration. I believe He would want us to spend time thinking and feeling out the ideas He would put there to share.

I plan to do it.

I want to spend more time reading to enjoy, rather than reading to check off the list or gather facts. I want to take time to think about a quote that strikes me as beautiful instead of passing right by because my reading time may be cut short any minute by the family's needs.

I want to spend more time creating and dreaming and singing and playing. To seek out that part that hasn't had time or been given the opportunity in the past few years to get out.

I started with my hair. ha ha.

And, I bought some earrings today. They are awesome. Step one: wardrobe. Work in progress. :)

7 comments:

Nikowa Lee said...

Girl me too!!! I turn 29 next month & I'm kinda freakin' out! :(

Linzyann said...

Carrie, I think you somehow beat me to the punch. I have been contemplating returning to my blog to say a couple of things like this for a few weeks now. Maybe it is something about our age (I turned 30 this year). I feel like I've lost so many of the quirky things that made me "me" in the whirlwind of the last 6 years of my life and I've got such a strong desire to get them back, just like you. Even, yes, wardrobe, hair, accessories! I agree - we need to take that time. Our children will benefit from seeing their moms being our unique selves. :)

Andy's Bethy said...

I am so excited to see what you create. I already know that you make some amazing things - you create delicious meals, out of your imagination, rather then simply following the directions. You create amazing ways for your children to learn new information, rather then just having it drilled into their heads. I know that you have not let that imagination sit there and rot. You just FEEL like you have.
I love you, so very much my crazy best friend. You have kept me sane on more then one occasion. I will keep you sane too. That is what we do.
And 29 really isn't that bad. Trust me.
In the meantime, I LOVE the hair and can't wait to see the new wardrobe...

EmileeHope said...

You go girl! (Oy, that shows my age...can you believe we will be 29 this year? Where has the time gone!?!)
But I must say it isn't just mother's that do that, we all do. I tend to let myself get lost in the day to day at times and then I feel horrible. I crave creativity, change, challenges, all the things that really give meaning to life. Sometimes I have to snap myself out of my "schedule" and just live a little!!

EmileeHope said...

Oh, and I am not trying to say that we all have it the same, I am sure that being a mother takes more out of you than anything else on earth!! I am just saying that we all can let ourselves get too caught up in the "daily" and forget to really enjoy our lives!!

Anonymous said...

Ok, have you been reading my mind?
Of course I am quite a bit older than you ;-)....but this past year I have thought the same thing, I have put myself on the back burner, everything and everybody else first. That is not neccesarily a bad thing, but, I never got around to "me". My wardrobe was old, I was out of shape, the list goes on.....
I decided to do something about it. I started going to the gym(which the doctor insisted on anyway), and started slowly trying to revamp my wardrobe. Maybe I am making progress. I should work at it a little faster, because I don't have as many years ahead of me as all of you "young ones" to work on it;-). Anyway, hats off to all of you for realizing this at a lot younger age than I did!

Carrie said...

Nikowa: For real, can 30 be worse than 29? ha ha!
Bethany: Thank you! You can tell me if I take it too far! ha! don't let me go blonde! ha ha!
Emilee!!! Thank you for the other perspective. I don't think I was consciously trying to "blame" it on that, I am sure that if I were still working it would be that, so it is always "something." ha ha.
Linsdey: I totally agree! Our kids will benefit from it.